The Maris Review

The first step is admitting you have a problem. Guys: I cannot stop buying dresses. I can’t. I need them.

One day you will find me in some decrepit dress den or dress house, lying on the floor under a pile of dresses. You will be horrified and sad, but you won’t be surprised. 

I learned it from you, Mom. I learned it from you.

zachdionne:

I made this Vulture quiz for you. I hope you get 50 out of 50 and have a great day.

Am now imaging an Arrested Development narrated by Rob Schneider. Season 3, when Gob Bluth is magically transformer into a monkey. And Buster says, “You can do it!”

Ladies and gentlemen, my favorite movie as a child. What you can’t tell from this photo is that, for most of the film, the orangutans run around in little diapers.

I think they also rescue Tony Danza from being split open by some log-cutting machine.

Jersey Shore, season 7.

Featuring:

Chris Christie as Snooki.

Prince Harry as The Situation.

Sandy survivors as random clubgoers at Karma.

wspdogrun:

nycbrusselsgriffon:

Los Niños - somos hermanos

Mr Angus & Paco

Vintage NYC BRUSSELS GRIFFON

Two of our favorite Washington Square Park Dog Run dogs! Hola!

Dear Mr. Angus and Paco: I’ll be at Washington Square Park on my lunch hour. I hope you are there. I think we could be pals.

ruthbaron:

One million thank yous to everyone who came out to help me celebrate the release of Defriended at BookCourt on Saturday. I’m especially grateful to the brilliant people who read with me. Between their incredible contributions, my friends and family who showed up, and the ones who sent good wishes from far away, I had the very best time ever. In case you missed it, here’s how awesome everyone was:

• My brother endured the humiliation of standing in a room with both of our parents and a bunch of our cousins while he talked about sex with his high school girlfriend. Then he wore a DIY silk-screened T-shirt in public, which I imagine was even more difficult for him.   
• Maris said the words “reverse fingering” multiple times—turns out to not just be the funniest phrase ever, but also the technological innovation of my worst nightmares. She also made it seem like an anti-Slaughterhouse 90210 blog exists, so alert the authorities because apparently we have a maniac on the loose.   
• Bennett previewed September Girls for us, and yes, he is about to introduce a new generation to Valerie Solanas. When Netflix gets an influx of requests for I Shot Andy Warhol, we’ll all know who to thank.
• Lauren actually scared my pants off with the sneak peek from her new novel which involves human trafficking and fortune telling. It is going to be terrifying and terrifyingly good.  
• It was my mistake for taking a sip of water while Max was talking; thankfully, I was in the front row so no one saw my spit-take when he reminded us that back in the ’90s everyone was certain that if you even whispered your name near a computer a windowless van would immediately appear to take you away. He used his real name on Star Wars forums anyway, and we are all better for it.
• And then Elizabeth fulfilled the destiny she’s been training for her whole life when she channelled Rebecca and did a dramatic reading of the deranged sorority letter—Michael Shannon himself would have bowed before her.  

They were all hilarious and perfect and a total delight to listen to. As for me, I wore a smoking hot red dress, read aloud from Defriended without feeling like I was reenacting Why Can’t Jordan Read?, didn’t apologize once, and sold out of books.  It felt great.  

Had so much fun on Saturday! Buy Ruthie’s book ASAP!

(Also, if you know of any publication looking for a humorous essay about Internet horror, get at me!)

When I was a very little girl, my mom brought me a videocassette of Flashdance. She said I wasn’t big enough to see the whole movie, but she needed for me to see the final dance scene—it was pure magic. Jennifer Beals was having it all, dancing for her fucking life. I was in awe.

At the time, my mom had a Flashdance-inspired sweatshirt. It was fuschia, with the neck cut out so that a bare shoulder could be exposed. It was the sexiest sweatshirt ever. When I was feeling saucy, I would borrow it and dance around to the Flashdance soundtrack in my parents’ mirrored living room. My best moves were saved for the song “Maniac,” during which I’d spin myself into a dizzy lather until I collapsed on the floor. Maybe you had to be there, but I swear it was hot.

I think I’m officially getting too obscure in my literary/movie references. But I amused myself, and that’s all that matters.

rachelfershleiser:

You have to understand several strange corners of the internet to follow this joke, but if you do it’s rather sublime.

The bookternet, being bookternerds.